Starting to Come Back to Myself - My NEW Self - Breakdown to Breakthrough as an AuDHD-er

Starting to Come Back to Myself - My NEW Self - Breakdown to Breakthrough as an AuDHD-er. I talk about how I move into an assessment phase, despite still feeling very vulnerable, emotional, sad and distressed. I assess Version 1 (the old Clare:  the masker, the people-pleaser, etc) into Version 2, the Clare who has NO IDEA how to be unmasked in this world and knowing I cannot go back to V1 of myself. I can't get the toothpaste back in the tube!! The horse has bolted now and there's no way I can re-mask myself.

Includes: life review, dissociation (detachment from reality and time) and executive function malfunctioning!    

The Actualising Woman 🌺 is an unfiltered diary of life after a mental breakdown and a late-diagnosis of ASD and ADHD (AuDHD) at age 57 🌼 As a therapist, empty nester, and entrepreneur, I share the raw reality of recovery: grief, regret, overwhelm and confusion, alongside professional insights, research, and coping tools🌸
This channel is about living unmasked 🌷 rebuilding identity 🌻 and finding strength after years of moving through the world undiagnosed. From mental health struggles to self-actualisation 🌸 (inspired by Carl Rogers and Natalie Rogers), I talk honestly about how I experience my own neurodivergence, and how I am motivated to create a life that finally fits ME🌸

If you’re navigating late-diagnosed ADHD, autism, or AuDHD 🌼, or rebuilding after a breakdown, you’ll find community, understanding and hope here 🌺. 

☕Girl needs COFFEE! Please donate ANY amount, so that I can do this full time?! Thank you! https://buymeacoffee.com/theactualisingwoman

Contact: clare@theactualisingwoman.co.uk for requests, stories for the show or questions.

🎧Check Out!!... STUDY SLEEP SOOTHE - Our Sound Podcast for ASD, ADHD & AuDHD-ers.  Available on Apple & Amazon Music

Clare Llewellyn-Bailey: Counselling psychotherapist, podcaster, empty-nester, and AuDHD-er!!

Transcript

Clare: 0:03

Hey, welcome back. It's Clare here again. Uh, thanks for joining me again. And today is going to be about the time when I'm starting to move out of the depths of breakdown and how I feel like I'm coming back, but coming back as a different person. And how difficult that was, but how wonderful it was at the same time because I could feel myself regenerating really. Yes, I remember thinking about Doctor Who a lot. I've turned into a new actor. I'm not acting anymore. Just gonna say that. The last episode was about me dropping into a breakdown and the run-up to it and the feelings I was having, the experiences I was having when that was happening. And so this bit today is about the very slow process of coming back again, coming out of that and coming back into the world, like I say, as a slightly different person. So this is a really slow process, and it must be as slow as you need to take it. It just cannot be rushed, okay? There is no point rushing it. And for me, actually, I was unable to rush the process. I remember thinking, do you know what, Clare, you could just go and switch the computer on and get on with some work now. And then I would be filled with this dread and this, oh God, no, I would I don't want to cry as soon as I switch the computer on. Um so therefore I can't be quite ready. And I waited a few more days or however long and thought, right, I could go and switch the computer on. I thought, yeah, actually I can do that today. So it wasn't really up to me when it happened. I had to just listen to my brain and listen to my body to see what the response was to me suggesting it to myself. Does that make sense? It does to me anyway. So how did I begin to come back? I mean, it's all very blurry, it's all very foggy. Uh, who knows, really? But I do know, like I say, I will try and remember what was going on for me at time when I had almost no memory. I did a lot of puzzles. Um, I remember that I did a puzzle a day uh sitting in front of the telly. That really, really helped. I so enjoyed them. So that helped. Again, a mindful occupation, very good, brilliant. I remember as the days and weeks went by, I felt able to do something again. Something that I'd done in, I'm gonna call it V1 in my previous life. Oh, that sounds so weird. The the old Clare, you know, so for example, um putting a bra back on. Also, I decided that I start back at work again. I have a kind of a side job, a small part-time job, which is archiving. And I decided I would have a go to see how I got on with it. I'll just see. Gosh, there's so much self-compassion needed here, you know, when you are on because I live on my own, so I and I've just got the kids really and two decent friends who have been a good support as well. But I've had to advocate for myself, I've had to advocado for myself, I've had to advocate for myself and listen to myself and be my own parent, be my own carer, be my own hero, actually, and be extremely self-compassionate. So I tried to just see if I could just switch the laptop on and just see how, if I did one line of archiving, how would it go? And then I would assess it from that point. And I did that, and I thought, oh, oh, actually, this is really helping. Because by that point I'd got some medication, and so I found that I was able to really focus for a nice long time on it, and I enjoyed it. Oh, you know, just enjoyed it. That helped. I suppose I was just allowing this whole thing really to run its course. There was also, and I still listen to it now, and there are some tears, and that's okay, okay, because that's what I call residue from that time. There's a song that I found by mistake, you know, when you go into YouTube music and you put a title in of a song that you used to listen to decades ago and think, right, I would like to know what that feels like to hear those songs. And I did that and listened to some old songs and had another damn good cry many times about all sorts of things. Again, a bit of a life review. And um the algorithm just naturally moved me on to a different song, and it was this song that I listened to, and I thought, oh goodness me, oh goodness me, YouTube is watching me. It so knows what I'm about these days. And it's a it's a song from Sarah Barriel. I don't know if she's French, but it's certainly a French surname, I would have said, and it's called The Girl That Used to Be Mine. And I just let this thing play on repeat a couple of times, and I thought, oh god, the lyrics, oh god, the lyrics. Beautiful. And I'm in fact, I quite fancy listening to it again today. It's on many of my playlists now. That really helped because that helped me um grieve for version one of me. Have a listen, and you know, not all the lyrics fit at all, but it's almost a song to myself, you know. It did that job anyway, even though it doesn't quite fit in some ways. It's a damn good sing as well. A damn good tune. I was slowly introducing things that the old me would do, for example, like driving or doing the bins or going to the shop or all those activities that you would normally do, I suppose, in a day, and you know, when you're doing your living, watching programmes that I was watching before and deciding whether they fit for me now. And yeah, so assessing is this going to lead me back into a breakdown or is this going to uplift me? And kind of assessing each of these things actually in my life to see whether they are good enough for me, you know, and are gonna preserve me and boost me. Other activities like going back into uh proper clothes, that was a big one, that was a really big one. My goodness, it's really hard to abandon the PJs, you know, in the morning and then put them back on in the evening. Uh didn't quite happen like that. What I did more than anything was if I was gonna go out, if I was gonna walk down to the shop, then the normal clothes would go on, and as soon as I got back in again, bra off, PJs back on, oh god, I'm safe again. I did it. Well done, Clare, you know. Other things like looking at your bank statement, oh, and looking at old emails and emailing people, people that I'd abandoned over the previous, you know, couple of months. They just weren't on my radar, you know. The other thing I started to do which really helped, and I knew I was coming back when I started to do this, was to have a damn good clean. You know, a proper clean. Uh and putting some old music back on, like I said, some some music from before, or even finding new music. Like I say, I've just I found the Sarah Barriel uh song, and I think, well, what else is there? And I remember there was a day when I let YouTube decide what I was going to listen to the whole day that I was archiving and be open and try to eschew all those old habits. Listen to the same music that generates the same emotion, the same sadness, the same memories of certain people that have shat on you and certain people that you loved and it was not reciprocated. And the song that was playing when you did this, and the song was oh, for goodness sake, let's change that, please. Your your psyche will respond in a different way, your mindset will change, thoughts will change because you're I was open, I say you, me, I was open to a different experience. I was ready to be different and play differently as well. Part of the coming back thing was very much assessing, and not oh, you know, I sit down and I'll get a notebook and I must assess this because your executive function must be 100% for that so we think it was nowhere near it. It was very much lying there sobbing, thinking, and and thoughts would jump in. For example, thoughts like, why do I bother with that person? Why do I bother doing this in my life? Like I say, an assessment. What's worked, what's working for me now, what has not worked for me up until this point, because whatever I've been doing and however I've been before has led me to a bloody breakdown. So something's got to change. Who is that.... It's not Plato, is it? Somebody said somebody said once, Oh, I'm gonna need to find out one second. Okay. The phrase is attributed to Einstein, and it I don't think that it actually came from him, but it's the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different response. So something's got to change. It's basic maths, isn't it? Yeah, something's got to change. So what hasn't been working for me? What has led me to this point? Why has this happened? What do I need? What do I need in my life? What don't I need anymore in my life? And what have I learned from this happening, even though I'm still in it and not able to see it objectively from a post-breakdown point quite yet? I remember thinking, what am I learning now? While I'm in it, what can I remember not to do again in the future? There was um a growth of self-esteem for me as well, and I allowed that to happen, and I in fact I supported myself in that and I stood by that and I still do. When you've been through a shitty time, something that has rocked your world and is so life-changing, and I I keep saying profound, absolutely profound, and spiritual too, there's a point where you think, actually, I've already been through what I would consider the worst for me so far. I have been through that. So, what is there to be fearful of now? The kind of thoughts I was having before, the anxiety would present in a way that would be quite um what's that word where you it stops you doing anything? Quite limiting, quite um restraining. There's lots of things I wouldn't dare do because of my thoughts about what if this happens, you know, what if that house burns down when I go out? Well, well, for goodness sake, you've got insurance. Is it likely to happen? No, get on with your life. Yeah, I know my anxiety isn't back quite yet, and I'm in a bit of a fog and a bit of a dozy time, but actually, oh do I have I I haven't got the energy to even worry about things anymore. So that kind of released me and made me feel a bit freer as well. And also I didn't want to waste any time being who I'm not because like I say, what's the worst that can happen? So what I've done while I was lying watching telly crying, I I took that next step forward when I felt ready for it, which was to give myself and create a mantra for myself. And this again is to accumulate all the lessons that I'd learnt at that time, I suppose mid-August, late August. And the mantra is no fear, no faking, no fawning. That's my mantra for me. That stops me slipping back into version one of me, where I allowed myself to be shat on from a great height by many people most of the time. Or I certainly felt that way. Where I had no self-esteem. I just thought everything was my fault, even if it was raining or a car went past a bit loud, I should apologize to somebody somewhere. What the heck? I had no chance of building a self-esteem because of my thoughts going on. So I thought if I can grab hold of what I'm learning from this experience and write it somewhere and do not forget it so that when I'm out the other side, in post-breakdown, I can look back and go, oh my goodness, at a really poignant moment, I promised myself these three rules for living for moving forward. No fear, yeah. I don't mean just walk out in front of a bus and you know, and not be scared about it. I mean be sensible. But the things that I was fearful of before, um, being out in public, bumping into somebody that I don't particularly want to speak to, really, just say hi and walk on. You know, there is always a way. I cannot be held back anymore. I will not let myself be in the way of me moving forward anymore. So no fear. Notice what my fears are and assess them and decide if they're valid and if they're not, let them go. Let them go. No faking. When I was training to be a counsellor, we studied many forms of therapy actually, but mainly we worked with humanistic therapy. When I'm counselling, I'm a humanistic therapist. So that's the Carl Rogers uh humanistic therapy. And there's three traits that a counsellor needs to display and embody when they're going to be humanistic therapists, and I always remember them. The first one is you need to exercise empathy, and then you need to have unconditional positive regard for your client, and the third one is that you are congruent with yourself, so you don't say to your client, for example, I mean, this is how I understand it. Oh, yes, it's absolutely fine, David, if you want to go and ***** your family. Yeah, that's absolutely fine because I don't see anything wrong with that. You what? That is not congruent with how you feel and your morals, Clare. So it's an honesty in some way. You are displaying if you hear something that you feel is shocking or distressing, you allow that to be known by the client. You uh you don't cover it up and put a smile on and think, oh, everything's okay. No, because the the client is entitled to have a valid response from you, so there's a congruence. So that's where the the no-faking comes in. I will be congruent. I'm gonna be who I am and not hide myself out of the fear of being unlikable. No fawning. Yeah, for me, that is the the thing where if somebody behaves badly around me or to me or with me, that I I again I accept it, and it's fine, and and it's fine because I want you to like me so so much that I will be less than you and then you will like me more. I will reduce myself so that I am acceptable. Um, and I know that victims or survivors actually, survivors do this. For example, if you get a situation of someone being kidnapped, fawning is like a Stockholm syndrome to appease your capture because that will be better for you and that's safer, much safer if you appear small and weak, um, bonded with that person, friendly. And it's a way of preserving yourself, it's a way of surviving, it's a way of protecting yourself. Even though inside you're scared and know it how they're treating you or what they're saying to you is wrong. And that's what I'm meaning when I have that mantra. So I'll come to the end of this episode. Next episode, I will be talking more about the diagnosis of all DHD and how beneficial that was just not only just to know about who I am and what's going on for me, but also how incredibly fortunate it was to have that at the same time as the breakdown, because they both feed into one another in many ways. So I wonder too, and I'm just going to put this out there, if you're having a mental health crisis yourself, or you've been through a breakdown, or are going through a breakdown, or feeling that you're slipping into a breakdown. First of all, anyway, I'm always going to say find yourself some professional help. ASAP and a good support network. Do some research on it. Keep yourself safe. Just make all the phone calls, get the support that you need around you, okay. I really am gonna shut up now. Anyway, I'll see you in the next one. Well, I won't, but you know what I mean.