How Does Congruence Help You Unmask as an ASD ADHD -er? - A Core Condition for Actualising The Ideal 'You'

How Does Congruence Help You Unmask as an ASD ADHD -er? - A Core Condition for Actualising The Ideal 'You'. I talk about how masking goes against your congruent self.. causing distress and misalignment.

The Actualising Woman 🌺 is an unfiltered diary of life after a mental breakdown and a late-diagnosis of ASD and ADHD (AuDHD) at age 57 🌼 As a therapist, empty nester, and entrepreneur, I share the raw reality of recovery: grief, regret, overwhelm and confusion, alongside professional insights, research, and coping tools🌸
This channel is about living unmasked 🌷 rebuilding identity 🌻 and finding strength after years of moving through the world undiagnosed. From mental health struggles to self-actualisation 🌸 (inspired by Carl Rogers and Natalie Rogers), I talk honestly about how I experience my own neurodivergence, and how I am motivated to create a life that finally fits ME🌸

If you’re navigating late-diagnosed ADHD, autism, or AuDHD 🌼, or rebuilding after a breakdown, you’ll find community, understanding and hope here 🌺. 

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Contact: clare@theactualisingwoman.co.uk for requests, stories for the show or questions.

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Clare Llewellyn-Bailey: Counselling psychotherapist, podcaster, empty-nester, and AuDHD-er!!

Transcript

Clare: 0:00

It's me, it's the actualizing woman. Hey and welcome back to the actualizing woman. I'm Clare and I'm an actualizing woman, don't you know? Today I wanted to talk about kind of a follow-on, really, from the last episode where I was talking about Carl Rogers and his actualizing tendency, but more to the point about how we need to find for ourselves three conditions, three qualities in ourselves to bring forward to help us to heal and grow and unmask and to process a late diagnosis of ASD or AuDHD or ADHD, which is where I am. As a counsellor, I can't help but want to naturally bring forward those qualities that we were trained to use and trained to embody in order to become therapists. And to recap, those qualities or those three core conditions that we have to provide for our clients are unconditional positive regard for the client, congruence as a therapist, and to be empathic. I also went on to say though that we need to provide those for ourselves as well. Those conditions really set you on the road towards actualization. We all have a natural actualized, that's really hard to say, actualizing tendency within us. Within all living things, there is a motivation to strive forward. Whatever the environment is like, whatever our upbringing has been, whatever our friendship groups are, all of those things, we can't help but have in us an actualizing tendency. And we all are trying to do the best we can with what we've got, what we have at hand, the resources we have, if you like. So while I'm unmasking or attempting to unmask and find out who the hell Clare is after her diagnosis and after a breakdown, and I'm in recovery now, I have to remember those conditions. I have to bring those forward for myself so that that will aid me to be the best I can be and to be as honest and genuine as I can be, so that I can move through the rest of my life towards full actualization. However, as I said in the last episode, full actualization, yeah, probably not likely. I mean, no, no. Um, however, I can change my environment, I can change anything in my life. I am the master of my destiny, so I am able to bring for myself a better environment where I can thrive, grow, heal, reach my potential, and become the best self I can be. Because that is what my job is. That's where everyone's job is to reach their full potential, your ideal self, if you like. So that's kind of a bit of a long-winded review of what I talked about in the previous episode. I want to add to this today because I want to I want to talk about how I feel. I'll start like that. I want to talk about how I feel that those three conditions, one in particular, is really important when you are a neurodiverse person and you're wanting to unmask and be yourself, having masked potentially all your life. And it's a difficult process because who the hell are you? You know, you've had all these different masks on all your life, or different hats on, or if you remember words or gamge, a different head on for many different circumstances, many different interactions with other people, many different jobs, many different relationships, many different uh friendship groups. You've probably had a different hat on. And and I do understand that we do that naturally anyway. You don't have to be a masking neurodivergent person to experience that. But I think from my own opinion, my own experience, that that mask has been firmly on when I'm out and ready to go on at any moment. I'm very rarely caught short with who I really am. Well, until now. Now heads are rolling. Oh dear. So what I've done because today's episode, as well as the last episode, is particularly important, I feel, on this journey. And both are episodes I am hoping that you will return to at some point if you are indeed following the same path as me, as in working towards actualization and working towards unmasking and finding out who the hell you really are. If you're following that, I'm hoping that this episode and the previous one is one that you can freely jump in and out of and top up with, hopefully. There will be further episodes about actualization and the three core conditions, etc. And a bit more about Carl Rogers, but not in a dull way, only when it's really necessary. And big surprise here, uh, he had a daughter, uh, she's passed away now as well. His daughter was called Natalie Rogers, and she was a lady after my own heart, very much somebody who is kind of where I am. She had come to a pivotal point in her life. For her, it was divorce, and how she tried to find herself and who she was once she divorced. So, what are the chances? You know, his his daughter was very much a therapist in her own right as well, but more a creative therapist, um, an art therapist. And um, again, she's right up my street. So I will talk about Natalie Rogers and her dad, Carl Rogers, a little bit more as we go on. And I will quote from her book as well. She's written a brilliant book called The Emerging Woman. And while it's from the 1960s, it's got some really valuable stuff in it. So I will dip into that as we go. Anyway, anyway, anyway. Wind it back, Clare. So where are we? So we talked about the three core conditions: empathy, unconditional, positive regard, and congruence. Now, because the I'll start again, because these episodes are really important. I have written something for today's episode because I don't want to wing it at all. I my head is so filled with what I want to say that I will be a bit of a twonk if I have a go, you know, off script. So I've scripted something for today. I hope you don't mind. I have I've tried to include everything that I feel is important, especially the congruence part of those three core conditions, how they relate to neuroide neurodiverse people and unmasking. So I'm going to read, bear with, okay? Here we go. I'll see you out the other side. So regarding the congruence part of those three conditions, congruence is aligned to who you think you are, your self-concept, the way you understand yourself, your traits, your values, and your sense of identity. So you kind of need to know yourself before you can be congruent and honest with yourself. How can you be what you don't believe you are? So that was quite profound, really, wasn't it? So here we go. I'm gonna start with the idea of self-concept. Self-concept is the way we understand ourselves, our traits, values, and sense of identity. When this internal picture doesn't align with what we experience in the world or how we feel that we must behave, we experience incongruence. This mismatch, whether slight or overwhelming, often brings discomfort, anxiety, and inner conflict. Psychological well-being depends on congruence, a close fit between who we believe we are and the life we actually live. Incongruence arises largely through our interactions with others. If a person had no contact with any other living beings, oh I can dream, there would be no ext there would be no external expectations shaping or challenging our sense of self. But in real life we are constantly influenced by responses, demands, and judgments of those around us. When these influences contradict our self-concept, we experience distress, even subconsciously. This misalignment is especially visible in the experience of many neurodivergent people, masking the effort to hide or suppress natural behaviors, traits or needs in order to appear typical or acceptable creates a profound form of incongruence. A neurodivergent person may force eye contact, imitate social cues, suppress stimming, or override sensory boundaries to meet others' expectations. Although masking may help them to fit in or avoid negative reactions, it often leads to exhaustion, emotional strain and for me, a gradual withdrawal from social situations. For neurodiverse people who mask, the unspoken rule is you must behave this way to be accepted. The person is acting in ways that do not align with their true self. And the cost of maintaining that disconnect is high. For me, as with many others, I had been masking all my life for fifty-seven years probably, unaware that I'd learned that I needed to do this for acceptance and survival both at home, school, work, in friendship groups, and out in society. Hence, I believe, my breakdown this year. You know that bit I'm coming off script here a little bit. You know that film about a boy? I mean, I know not everyone watches the same films as me, but and Hugh Grant falls to his knees on the floor in his flat, with his dad's carol music playing on in the background. He'd come to a pivotal place in his life where he knew that things had to change. He wasn't getting anywhere. He wasn't developing himself or progressing fruitfully in any way in his current way of being. It's just like that. It's just like that, that breakdown. It was like my foundation and what I say with Kit, my daughter, is that sometimes we build our lives or beliefs on like a Jenga game, but it's actually not on a solid table or not on a floor, it's actually on sand. Or I think we said the other day something's built on blemange. Do you remember blanch? I know I'm going back. I know I'm old. Um, but um yeah, sometimes I think my personality and my my fakingness was a game of Jenga, but it was all built on blemange. Yeah, so I always think when I see him fall to his knees, I think, yeah, that's my life. Right there. I'll carry on now.

Clare's Inner Voice!: 13:12

Be Sensible, be sensible

Clare: 13:14

So I've put on a mask for decades, and different masks for different situations as well. We all do, I think. Um I think a lot of us neurodiverse people do that. But a mask or many masks obscure what lies beneath. Each mask represents a perceived expectation shaped by parents, peers, teachers, employers, friends, partners, even religious communities and certainly media, telling us who we must be and how we must present or behave to feel worthy. And over time these masks overlap so much so that it becomes difficult to remember our own identity clearly. We lose touch with who we really are, the person we really are, our true self, our congruent, authentic self. Because we've spent so long responding to who we are told to be. We know each person ultimately has an innate drive to live accordingly to their true nature. But when we can't do this, when we're masking constrained or thwarted or shaped by a negative self-concept, we experience this incongruence. Even so, there still remains a natural tendency towards authenticity and self-actualization. There's always a quiet push towards aligning our outer selves with our inner truth, despite the complexities of the environment around us. We're always still trying to push through, despite what we're told. That distress that you can feel as a masking ADHD or ASD is there because it doesn't fit us. It's not in alignment with us. And if you're anything like me, any kind of masking, anything outside of who we really are sends my mind into orbit. It tells me I don't fit. You don't fit here, Clare. These aren't your people. You're in the wrong job. You're in the wrong house. These are the wrong friends for you. It doesn't fit, doesn't fit, doesn't fit. I should make a t-shirt, shouldn't I? I Don't Fit. It that's what it is, that distress that I feel is chipping away at my soul. Anyway, I digress. So my goal as I unmask myself and discover what the heck is truly underneath is to work out where I'm being incongruent to my true, natural, real, authentic self. All the masks that I put on and carry around with me and slap on at a second's notice, take them all off, burn them all, even the masks I didn't even know I was wearing, and discover for the first time who the flip-flops I actually am. I've seen glimpses of her here and there through my life, but only fleetingly, and I like her. And I like what she stands for, and she's okay, actually. So, something to chew on in your heads. The way to unmask is to notice when you're not being congruent. I think I've talked about it before. Notice and watch yourself. I think it was on my last TikTok. Watch yourself as you go about in the world. Are you putting a mask on right now? Are you lying to yourself right now? Are you hiding? Are you editing? Are you shrinking away from who you really are in this moment? Are you being incongruent? Next episode, I'm going to talk about the list of what I believe actualization looks like. For me, anyway, it might be a completely different list for you. And also I'm going to talk about how I think I'm going to achieve it. Okay? I I think I said in the last episode, I have a dream. I definitely have a dream. And the next few years is all about me achieving that and putting myself into a better environment. So if you like, I'm going to find myself a damp cellar with a shard of light or two, because uh, you know, I want healthy shoots and roots. Yeah, uh, and how I go about getting that for myself while I'm learning and gaining the knowledge about who I really am. I think I've, by jove, I think I've got it. I think I've got an idea where I can do that. And I might be really wrong, but the dream has stayed with me now for three and a half years, and I'm working towards it. And I believe it will work. But I like I say, it might not work, but I do have a plan B. I would like to go for plan A, but I do have a plan B. Um, so I will talk about that next time. So there you go. More food for thought about the congruence part of those three conditions. Okay. And I think, like I said a million times this episode, please bear it in mind. If you're trying to unmask and you want to unmask, do it compassionately. So, unconditional positive regard for yourself, have empathy for yourself, understand why you might be feeling upset, understand and give yourself good grace to accept yourself if you're struggling with it. Yeah, be your own parent, a brilliant parent or best friend to yourself while you're doing it, and watch out for incongruence, okay? All right, I will leave you alone. So, thanks for listening to The Actualising Woman today. Remember to follow the show and do send in stories. Now I have an email address now in the description. So if you have any suggestions, requests, or stories about your own journey of growth following an ADHD or ASD diagnosis, that would be great. I mean, it doesn't necessarily need to be a neurodivergent diagnosis at all, but if you feel that it fits and it will be something you wouldn't mind me sharing on one of my episodes at some point, please do let me have that information. No personal details disclosed on a podcast episode, okay? It would be completely a non-monnominominous, okay. We like a non-menominless. Anyway, I'd love to hear about your experiences. So I've been Clare Bailey, and you, well, you just have a great day. Ta da