PART 1 What's Your Plan Clare?? What Do You Need for You to Start Becoming a Fully Functioning Person? AKA - Actualise?

PART 1.  In this one, I'm talking about (well... rambling on, really) a lightbulb moment I had in May 2022, which I've never got out of my head. A long term dream. BUT, it seems that it's only now that I'm ready for it to come to fruition. Why? Because certain experiences needed to be experienced first, for me to gain clarity about why the dream happened in the first place... Hindsight eh!

This plan of action, I'm hoping, will provide me with the sensory, social and financial security I have always needed, without realising. And only now, after my dual diagnosis of AuDHD, do I understand why I was always in such a miserable pickle, living the way I have been living! 

The Actualising Woman 🌺 is an unfiltered diary of life after a mental breakdown and a late-diagnosis of ASD and ADHD (AuDHD) at age 57 🌼 As a therapist, empty nester, and entrepreneur, I share the raw reality of recovery: grief, regret, overwhelm and confusion, alongside professional insights, research, and coping tools🌸
This channel is about living unmasked 🌷 rebuilding identity 🌻 and finding strength after years of moving through the world undiagnosed. From mental health struggles to self-actualisation 🌸 (inspired by Carl Rogers and Natalie Rogers), I talk honestly about how I experience my own neurodivergence, and how I am motivated to create a life that finally fits ME🌸

If you’re navigating late-diagnosed ADHD, autism, or AuDHD 🌼, or rebuilding after a breakdown, you’ll find community, understanding and hope here 🌺. 

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https://buymeacoffee.com/theactualisingwoman

Contact: clare@theactualisingwoman.co.uk for requests, stories for the show or questions.

🎧Check Out!!... STUDY SLEEP SOOTHE - Our Sound Podcast for ASD, ADHD & AuDHD-ers.  Available on Apple & Amazon Music

Clare Llewellyn-Bailey: Counselling psychotherapist, podcaster, empty-nester, and AuDHD-er!!

Transcript

Clare: 0:00

It's me, it's the actualising woman. Hey and welcome back to the actualising woman. I'm Clare and as promised I'm talking about the plan. I did also say that I might be on the wrong track here. I have no idea. I just know that this thing happened, this brainwave happened in May of 22, and I haven't been able to shake it off. It fills my heart with joy when I think about what I'm going to do. It also terrifies me that I'll cock it all up. I believe that the plan that I have and the place that I'm going to go to will be the place where I am able to get closer to who I really am and will give me the space quite physically and emotionally, give me the space to really look beneath, you know, and fulfill my potential and become a fully functioning person. I've said before a million times that I've read that it's unlikely that we can fully actualise, but we could find that place where we are in process. So becoming a fully functioning person rather than arriving at a place where bliss is and perfection is, and that moment where you can sit down and go, Oh, thank God I've done it. It's not a possibility. But I just think that what I'm going to talk about today is, I believe at the moment, today, with my ADHD brain, and tomorrow it will be something different altogether as it was yesterday. Um, but I believe today, and many, many, many, many, many, many hundreds of days since May 22 that this this is where I need to go, this is what I need to do, and this is what I believe currently is where my heart needs to be, my soul needs to be. I might be wrong. I have thought of another couple of options, so I do have a plan B, and as of yesterday, I found a plan C. Whoa! Who da thunk? There may well be a plan D at some point or any and F and a G, and I might abandon plan A altogether. Don't know. This is almost a kind of surrendering. I feel like I need to be guided somewhat in kind of a wait and see. My ex used to say all the time if I say, Oh, should we get so and so for the front room, or or should we go to so-and-so on on the weekend, or should we do da da da da da? Let's see what happens. What do you mean, let's see what happens? Gonna make it happen. Uh, so dysregulated, so impatient. Anyway, uh, so I've learned, yeah, I'm talking about allowing myself to really not have anything set in stone at this point because of the journey that I'm on, because of the knowledge and insight that I'm gaining about myself. It might be that I'm actually in 18 months' time perfectly fine where I'm living now. So I'm gonna jump into the plan right now. Between leaving uni and going for that ASD assessment, I had had this kind of an eye-opening brain wave. Knowing that I hadn't fitted in anywhere in my life, I didn't feel comfortable, hence the jumping from one career to another, and one business to another, and one friendship group to another, and a different house and an area in the UK to another. I just thought I need to settle the fuck down. God's sake, what is going on? I was laying in bed in 2022, it was May, and I thought, I know what I really want to do. And I thought, this is obvious. I dug real, real deep. What do I want now? Now my children have left home and I've got all this expanse of life, hopefully, left. I mean, there might be a good 25-35 years, if not longer. What the hell do I do with that now? My kids have gone, they don't need me. I could be twiddling my thumbs for grandchildren for another 20 years yet. Who knows? So, what am I going to do with myself? You know, I've got this degree, but I hate it. It's great that I've got my degree after all this time, but this has not led to all the joy and wonderment that I thought it would. So I was laying in bed, sorry, I keep going round and round in circles. I was laying in bed, uh, I think it was a night time in May of 2022, and I thought, oh, that's it. That's what I want to do. I actually want to leave this country and go and live in the middle of a fucking field where there are no squawking birds that that time were in my garden, annoying me. So I'm a really keen gardener, but I've abandoned all gardening now because of these ruddy crows, or whatever else is a black bird that's big and loud and annoying. So a house in the middle of a field in the middle of France where no one knows where I am, except my children, of course. I mean, it would be lovely if I could own the property. I've been in rental for 25 years. So I thought, yeah, that's what I'm really gonna aim for. How the hell do I tell my kids? Sorry, mum's off. I'm off. I'm gonna live in a place where there's only internet and no no other connection to me whatsoever. I'm gone, I'm out of here. Because I need some peace. I just need some peace. I mean peace in that I don't particularly want anyone knocking on the door to I don't know, I I just don't want to be disturbed. I want to be left alone. There's a time for me now for me to gather up everything that I need and I want and and decide on what my life could be and what I would like it to be, and therefore will create for myself. So picture this little detached, obviously detached, cottage, house, shed, bin bag, don't care, in the middle of a field in France, where there is a driveway up to it that's about a hundred yards long, minimum. In other words, I can see who's coming. Where there is really good internet, I can play classical music on an old record player with big fuck-off speakers, the windows open, and the lavender wafting in the wind, and all the healthy food, and all the all the self-help books, and all the all the lovely linens and all the lovely French-ness with the patisserie, just a short bicycle ride away, and a post box and the police and a decent shop I can reach easily. This is all in this moment, it just came to me. And there would be a flea market type thing on a Sunday once a month or something. I can go and buy lots of antiques and old junk and brick-a- brac for my lovely grotty French uh abode. A good internet because I would like to be able to messenger people and obviously run my podcast from there in peace and quiet. Um, and be financially calm with enough, you know. Just enough. And just enough is a dream. It's it's richness, it's wealth to me. Just enough. I can concentrate on my health, I can breathe, I can I can do the yoga in the garden. No, I won't do that. I mean, I need to live in reality here. Um, so that's what came to me that day, that night. And I thought, this is probably something about attachment. I've got an attachment issue. I'm running away, I've got a commitment issue. All of those psychoanalytical thoughts coming up for me and phrases, and oh, it's because of this, Clare. Oh, it's because you've got daddy issues, oh, it's because you're a stranger, oh, it's because you never had quite enough counselling. So I thought, well, I'll I'll sit on this for a while because I'd really like to go. I could go in 2024, that'd be great. Yeah, that'd give me a time to build up a podcast, which at the time was for anxiety sleep meditation episodes for people with nighttime and sleep anxiety, called sleep like a log. And that's still running, but in a very diminished status right now. And that made use of my counselling degree to an extent, and also um my hypnotherapy qualification. So that seemed to fit. Anyway, moved on since then, but that was what the plan was. And I thought I can't say anything to anyone quite yet because I need to analyse myself and make sure that the decision I'm making to scoot out of the country forever and live from France in a field with internet and a bed and some water. That yeah, I got I've got to make sure that that is the right thing for for me, and I'm not there's not some kind of knee-jerk reaction to something. I don't know, I need to sit on this idea. Of course, emigrating, for goodness sake, is not not something to be taken lightly and do rashly, of course, because how embarrassing if I need to come back and find somewhere to rent again. And all the prices will have gone up and uh oh, couldn't come back to this village anyway. So I sat on it for a while. Then, of course, the following year I had this uh ADHD appointment. They said, no, it's not that, it's probably ASD. And I thought, oh, that's interesting. Oh, maybe that's why I've been feeling like a fish out of water and all of the stuff that I still can't quite put a finger on that I have been feeling over all of my life. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe it's ASD. Then let's come all the way around to July 2025, which is like four months ago, and I was hurtling down into breakdown, and I think that was brewing for a good 10 months or so before. I was running out of magical powers to keep going and pull myself back up and be resilient and ping back. I always think of Madonna. I heard a phrase once, uh, probably I don't know when, doesn't matter when, about how Madonna is the queen of regeneration, re-identifying. She's able to create a new image for herself. So I've always thought of that. Be Madonna, be Madonna, minus the pointy bra. But um, and I thought I can't do it anymore. And I noticed in April to May to June to July, my fuel was running out, and I could do less and less about anything, really. I went to the doctor and talked to them about an ASD assessment, and they said, do this, do that. So I applied for an ASD assessment after the what two years. Of course, anyone who's been through an ASD assessment, or sorry, the application for the assessment, the thing that you had to fill in with the autism service first, so that it can make sure that they're not going to put you on a waiting list if you're probably not autistic. So I went through that in the summer and I thought, oh God, that's knocked me down even further. While I'd lost my mind, the neighbour had given me, who's the psychiatrist in Harley Street, had given me a free, thank God, because I hadn't been earning money, face-to-face assessment for ADHD. And from that, he found that I was ADHD, ASD, depressed, and anxious. No kidding. Then I had the 14, 17, goodness knows how many weeks existing, and I can't really remember much of that. And then I kind of woke up again about the end of October into November. And it came to my mind that I was a different person, and I call that the V2, version two of myself. So maybe there was no need to have extra counselling. It wasn't any of that, it was, I think, the masking for all of those years. Masking ASD and being ASD and having the thoughts and feeling that you get if you are ASD, whatever they are, I mean they're different for everybody. And I still can't verbalize what those feelings are. Plus ADHD, plus depression and anxiety. Um, so an absolute frigging mess until October this year. I mean, all the way through my life. I would say that that is V1. V2 is coming out now, and I feel very different. I don't know whether it's because I've had a breakdown. I don't know whether it's because I've been diagnosed. I have no idea which it is. But I tell you this, I feel like a different person. I really do. A bit and I know I've talked about the what happened as I was falling into the breakdown and an episode on coming out of the breakdown. But there's loads more I haven't said, and I will at some point, because it's bloody huge. And I've only in the last few days realised what it was. There was something else going on as well, and I will talk about that another time. However, so that's where I am. I have kicked off this podcast because there's so much to talk about that I'm using it as my therapy, as well as hopefully helping other people. What I've realized is that the counselling degree that I took and gained, two, one. Hey, pretty impressive for an old bird. Yeah, right. Um the the thing that we learned in the counselling degree was something that will stay with me forever. And and this really, really felt like home to me, I don't get emotional. It really felt give me a minute. It's quite intense today because it means so much. Right. So it's okay, it's all good. And that is not only these three conditions that I've already talked about recently: the unconditional positive regard, the congruence, and the empathy, but also the Carl Rogers actualising tendency. It's not really the actualising tendency, but it is actualisation actually to becoming a fully functional person in every way. A fully matured, all-rounded, functioning person that has all of the things we would shake a wand and wish for for ourselves and for our loved ones. Just sorted, and I don't mean organized, I just mean there's balance. They respond to the to the world in the in an authentic way. They're kind to themselves, they're kind to others, they empathize, they are living life to the full, and they're exploring the world and themselves unfettered, you know, they're up for really living, and that has always stayed with me. So let me jump back now. Because I had the breakdown, and because I've had a diagnosis and actually a spiritual awakening as well, in some way. Again, I will talk to you about that later. Because of this year, I feel like I really want to move towards that actualisation, that fully functioning-ness. Because the diagnosis has given me an idea of who I am and what has been going on for me and what how my brain works. And it's given me kind of all the answers as to why I didn't feel right in V1 and battled with the world, battled with myself all that time. And I'm at the beginning of learning what that means now while I'm moving forward and looking at this actualisation and what it means for me. What does actualisation mean? What does a fully functioning person look like? How do they behave? What do they do? I'm just intrigued. I want to go on this journey to find that out for myself. Um, it's a journey towards who Clare really is. The breakdown has told me that V1 can never happen again. Done, Clare. You you can't go back. You can't go back. You just I can't. I just actually physically, emotionally can't go back. I am changed. So this thing that I learned at uni, this actualising tendency and the movement towards actualisation to become a fully functioning person has been. Obvious for me to look into as a counsellor. And quite surprisingly, I think that's what I was on about and wanting in 2022 in May, when I suddenly had this idea I wanted to go to France and be in a field on my own. It's what my body and my mind to calm down. It's what my body and my mind was craving three and a half years ago. And it wasn't because I had an attachment issue or I was running. I need to know who I am. It's huge. It's huge. And I'm really fortunate here because, in a way, because I haven't got a huge family and I haven't got commitments here. The only way I can sit in a field in France is for the French to let me in for a start and stay. Sorry about the tears. And stay there, but also if I can earn money while I'm out there, hence the podcast. So this is another reason for the podcast to exist. I need the actualising woman so that I can talk about my actualisation process. I need it to be financially independent of an employer. I can't be employed. It just doesn't work. It never has, it never will. My soul and my spirit is screaming to be my own boss. Um and yeah, I'm scared. I'm really terrified of moving to France. I want to do it so very, very much. I've got all the bookmarks bookmarked. I've done all of the research it takes to move over there. Trouble is we're not in the bloody EU anymore, which is a bit of a bummer. It might not even happen. I do have a plan B, and I did say on the last episode that is if it goes tits in France, you come home and you go and rent something else in uh in Shropshire or somewhere. I haven't done Shropshire yet. I've done most places. I haven't lived in Shropshire yet. Quite keen on that. It's a beautiful place. We used to go on holiday there as kids, so that would be I and I don't think knowing that the last time I was there, I was with my parents will hurt too much. I think it's probably changed enough since 1976. Um, of course, the mountains are still there. I would still like to be slightly on the inside Wales because I would still get free prescriptions. But anyway, there's a plan B. But plan A, let's go back to plan A. It's it's kind of all come clear to me now. This was a seed right back in 2022, but I was not ready in any way. I needed to have a diagnosis, a proper, proper, full-on diagnosis from a reputable person. I needed the breakdown because I needed to be in the mindset of V2. I needed somebody to shut V1 down. Uh, I do see it as a rebirth, uh second chance, but I see it as a very clarifying, exciting new start, really. I've decided now to move into France if they'll let me in in the spring of 2027. So I have a year and a half, let's say, I mean, I'll be 60 in the summer of 2027. I'll be 60. And I would hate to not have explored this adventure that terrifies me in brackets, because I'm not a young bird, really. I know I'm not old, old, but it's becoming almost last chance saloon to make a huge change like this in my life. So if I can head there and be in France by the time I'm 60, happily, I would like to do that. It would be about moving into something rented for the time being. I know that is notoriously difficult to be a foreign person, uh, or maybe just even an English person, to rent a property in France. I know that's going to be tough. I'm hoping that the gods will be with me and all my what I call my people around me, I mean a bit spiritual there, um, will help in some way. Once I've settled in, if I like it there and feel as though I can handle the French. Or no, sorry, hang on, my cat's just walking past. Hi boo. She's going to be a chat. More to the point, if the French accept me, or if they don't, just if they could just leave me alone, that would be great. Because I I think, I don't know, but I understand there's a little bit of contempt for the English by French people. So that kind of suits in a way because that means then they'll leave me alone. Won't engage. Yay! Goal. Uh go to France so that they will ignore me. Uh, and there'll be a language barrier anyway. I've been learning French since May 2022 on and off, because I want to, you know, hit the ground running. And as I'm walking here and walking there, or walking around the house or doing whatever, I'm practicing how to order four panot chocolate in a patisserie. I'm sure I won't need to do that every day, or maybe I will. Who knows? So let's say I'm sitting in this rental property in France, okay, and I have built the podcast up, and it's it really is my job. It's uh it's not really a job though, is it? It's not. I wouldn't be doing it if it was a job, because after all, who wants to work? You know? It's my hobby that pays me a living, let's say. And I've gone to a mortgage company age 62, let's say, and said, uh, can you lend me some money, please? I want to buy a house. I mean, I knew all more about this three years ago. I've kind of let myself forget some of it. I know that you have to you can be mortgaged up to the age of 75. So the mortgage would have to be paid by the age of 75. I also know that you can't get a mortgage for anything less than 150,000 euro. That would be the price, roughly, of a two, three-bedroom detached house somewhere. Might be a bit grotty, might be might need a new kitchen and a bathroom, might be a bit damp, don't know. But I know that it's possible to get something detached uh in the north of France for just a little over that. You might even, if if the house is in real shy condition, you might even get a swimming pool as well for that. I don't know, it doesn't matter. But I have this picture of this house in this field and with no birds around, no people, and a nice local bakery. Thanks. That'll do. And I will not stop until I mean, you know, if the if they say, actually, Clare, we don't like you, you've been here for two years now renting all our lovely properties. Can you bugger off now? We're done. We're not gonna give you mortgage and we don't want to rent you anymore. We just generally just don't like you because you're English. Can you get out? I will come back and I'll I'll go to Shropshire. I can't really lose. I could lose money, of course, but then rent in France is so much cheaper than the UK. Okay, so what I'm saying is that's where I'm going. So now I'm post-breakdown, post-diagnosis. I'm learning who Clare is, I'm unmasking, and now I have this drive towards becoming a fully functional person. I am indeed ASD and I have ADHD, and I just need to be allowed to be myself. I would like to be able to see the sunset. I would like to build a garden without crows, actually. I would like to see people on my terms when I feel ready. I want to make all the accommodations for myself that I've needed all of these years, and thought I was a bad person because I wanted them, or needed them, or I was just fecked up in the head because of my trauma. That's what I want to get for myself. A carte blanche, if you like, open space, a timeless zone almost. It's a bit eat pray love, really, isn't it? I definitely done some eating over the years. Praying, maybe not so much, but definitely a spiritual awakening. And now the love for myself, I suppose, to be who I really am and what I want to do, and have the option of protecting my sanity and protecting my space. There's definitely something that I felt with renting a property. I'm really grateful to have been able to afford to rent and had some really kind of nice houses, but but for the water that comes in, either dripping down the walls or coming up through the floor, or the sewage coming up, or oh uh, all the stories. Um I don't want to say that I don't appreciate that at all. I do, you know, we've been lucky. Uh, this house is particularly nice, but I haven't felt secure in a rental because the landlord at any moment can say, get out. And I'm really aware of that. And I've always tried to bite my tongue in saying what I want to the agents because they're not looking after the property properly. If I didn't feel so vulnerable, I would go into that office and say, Look, you absolute bloody loser, can you sort my frigging heat? Sorry, my language. My language and awful. I don't know, whatever. Well, I'll learn that one. Um, but for the fear that they all say, actually, Clare, you're a bit of a pain in the ass in as a tenant. Can you go, please leave? You've you've been terminated. So I've had to shut my mouth with that as well. When I own my property, that did not exist. And I want that back to feel secure, to know that I can mural because I used to be an artist. I can mural my wall and not have to cover it up with damn magnolia if they say that you need to leave. I can I can move walls for goodness sake, take walls out, put walls in to make it livable for me and what I need as an ASDR. It's about creating a really comfortable space where I can thrive, you know, where the environment is perfect for me. Even still today, that feels like I'm being really selfish. And I think, well, who else is gonna do it? It's down to me. It's because I respect the life that I have left that I refuse to accept anything less than what I need as a human to thrive. I think we put up with so much and we forget that we can change things if we really want to. And I suppose I've got a bit angry about that, and I've without realizing, I've had to mask, I've had to shut my mouth, I've had to be incongruent to people in my life in order to survive and to to get by, because they've got the power, if you like. I'm talking really landlords here, they've got the power to just kick me out at any time. I can't put roots down. I really can't put roots down. I've never been able to say, gosh, this is the house I'm gonna die in. You know, this is this is it now. I'm done. I'm done. I can settle here, I can paint and decorate these rooms how I wish. I could change the windows, I can, I can, you know, I I every time I put a bloody nail in or a screw in anywhere, I'm thinking, I'm gonna have to fill this in when they get rid of me. I'm gonna have to do this. Oh God, I'm gonna have to repaint this. It's stilting, you know. It I'm clipped, I'm thwarted. I need to be in flow. I just need to um, I feel that I want to just be. I mean, where does it say anywhere that we have to go through our lives in pain and be unfulfilled and not quite get what our soul or our spirit needs to be content, to be fully functional. And I'm not saying, you know, there's a bloody great rainbow next to that cottage in France. You know, I'm not saying that I will then suddenly, you know, flick a switch and suddenly I will be happy and perfect. I've reached my destination. I've no way, no way. I've said before, the actualisation is a journey. It's not the destination, it is a journey, a pathway to something you you will never reach. Yeah. I felt today that I needed to really just clarify where we've got to so far with all the episodes I've done. This podcast isn't solely about unmasking, it's not solely about the actualising tendency, it's not about Carl Rogers, it's not completely about ASD and ADHD. This podcast is an opportunity for me to talk about what's happened, what it means for me, a kind of therapy, and for me to share that journey with somebody. Because it can be lonely, I think, and I guess I want someone to talk to about it. That's what it is. I have no friends. I have no friends. I do. Yeah. And why France? Oh, I know France. I know I don't know all areas of France. I've been to France about five times. I've never lived there, but what it is with France is that I love the French language. In fact, I got a higher score in my um, a higher mark in my French O level than I did in my English O level. So even when I was 15, 16, I thought I was French. Or hoped I was French. I'd love to be French. They have such an attitude generalising here. I know that. But mainly the properties in France are about a quarter of the price that they are in the UK. So it's a no-brainer. There's no other way I'm going to be able to afford to be able to buy a property, so it has to be France. And I would quite like to have an ocean between me and some of my family, to be honest. The biggest drawback to going to France, I know I'm wittering on, and I was going to talk about something else on this episode as well, but it's too long already. So I'll I'll do a part one, part two on this. There is a huge problem with me going to France, and that is missing my kids, physically missing my kids, and not being able to hug them. I know there are planes, I know there are trains, and I know there are automobiles, but my daughter doesn't drive. And she has cats and will not ever leave them overnight. So I that's my biggest issue. My son is footloose, fancy-free, goes wherever he wants anytime and drives, and yeah, nothing's a bother in that way. I, you know, he there's always a way he can get to you. He loves Europe anyway. He's um went to Ukraine about three times now to help with the um as a volunteer for the humanitarian kind of aid support over there with his mate. So he's used to driving all the way through France, Belgium, Germany, Poland, Ukraine, and back again. Um, so he's fine with that. My daughter doesn't drive, like I said, so it would be a case of her having to bring the cats over if she wanted to stay, which means that would be difficult on a plane, and I don't think she put her cats through that. So she would need to learn to drive. But then again, I can nip back, I suppose, as well. I can't not do this because of that. This is where I feel selfish. Um, if grandchildren turn up, then France is gonna have to be a lovely place for them to come on holiday and I can be with them, or again, I fly back over and spend time with them. Yeah, I know it's possible. I've had to think all through these things, but um, it's it's Kit that I worry about more than anything. How will she get to me? But then she's working on uh being her own fully functioning person, so she could learn to drive. It will probably be the making of her. Okay, so enough about this, and now you know what my goal is, and that won't be the end point when I land in France. I'm sure there'll be more. It might go absolutely and I have to come back again. Well, that's okay because that's a lesson I've learned, I've done something, and I can actualise you know further on from that. Oh my goodness, I've wittered on for so long. So I'm gonna go, I'll do a part two, and in part two, it will be I meant to start this episode talking about was what actualisation looks like for me, and what of course Carl Rogers' idea of actualisation was, is was is was too okay. Anyway, stop now, Clare. Okay, so thanks for listening to the actualising woman. Thanks for listening to me, and please remember to follow the show that shows me that someone gives a damn. And don't forget you can always send your own stories in or your own journeys of growth or your own actualisation story. I'd love to know. Otherwise, it feels like I'm just screaming out into the ether. Yeah, I'd love to hear your experiences. So I'm Clare Bailey, and you have a great day.